I am a mess

It’s one of those times when nothing is right, everything goes wrong and no matter how much on tries things keep not working out. This weekend I went to Rehoboth for a fundraiser and after a very successful time at a bar where we managed to raise 1000 for the team, my world came to an end momentarily. Have u ever felt that you are just not good enough, and that since you will be turning 30 in a week, you will never be. How come one makes all this effort and still feel paralyzed, how is it that even if you thrive at socials events, the minute you sit down for dinner with 17 people, you feel like you are trapped and you loose all your appetite? Well I have an explanation for it, its called anxiety and feeling like I am back at square one.

As I type this, I can not help but think, that I am being a drama queen, that this is not that bad, that it is an irony of destiny that I am being trained in the same tool (a couple versions later) that I was trained for when I first arrived to this country, and even if this time around my job does not depend on the exams I am presenting every Friday and the project I will be completing in two weeks, I still feel like an absolute insecure 23 year old that has no clue whatsoever about life or anything. Maybe it is that this week I turn 30, and I still think I am just no where near where I want to be, or the fact that I am just stressed and after giving it my all, last Friday I got a disappointing grade in an exam I should have aced. Maybe it is that this weekend, when I saw a picture of me at the beach I thought, shit I am a whale, and I will always be one. Maybe it is that I have not learned to curb my expectations of myself and I wanted to get terrific marks so that I could go back to my bosses and say: “see, I can do it”. Maybe I am just a mess, I was hoping that by the end of my twenties I would figure it out, and I just haven’t and I am afraid that I will never will.

These are the thought that have gone through my mind the past week. Class takes all of my energy and this week I am going to have to skip the gym – making my whalish figure even a bigger problem, but I can not do it all, and I am scarifying some gym time, for study time and sleep time. I am getting old, and I can not do stuff 16 hours per day and still wake up fresh every morning. Also this week I am turning 30, on Friday to be exact and on Saturday I am having a party. Because even if I am tired and stressed I recognize that one does not turn 30 every day and that I have a lot to be grateful for, my friends, my job, my life and my family, I still feel fat and ugly, but I have come a long way and even if the next step is not clear and I need to keep going.

Any who this is a random entry; I just needed to put my ideas and feelings in paper. I am not sure I will be able to blog much, but at least I have an entry for today, lets see how I fare tomorrow and the day after that.