Where I am

After a fun weekend, and an interminable Oscar’s party, I am back at work Monday, and I am planning my escape to North Carolina. Getting tickets, making reservations, planning on when I go and how I go and all that. It is exciting, it is new and it will certainly be different. At the same time I am finishing up here, and its not pretty, there are many things that need to get done and just not enough hours in the days that can be devoted to work. Yesterday I had a very stressful day, where nothing seemed to work and where I realized how stuck I was in what I was doing. Today is a different story, so far things are working, and I have a plan. At some point yesterday I realized that there was only so much I could do, and when you reach that place, and you are happy with the work you have done, and then you are free. It is not the truth that sets you free, at least not me, it is the lack of remorse that makes me free.

Anyway, this new change is kinda sorta driving me nuts. I really need a fresh start, but at the same time the idea of it makes me scared. It also affects my relationship with friends here, because I wont be here, and in the case of the big gay swim meet, I want to be involved and I just need to be very disciplined about what I am doing and doing it on time. As for the rest, well it is going to be a scheduling nightmare, but my life can be a scheduling nightmare, so I am used to that.

I know this post seems random, it is. Many ideas are going through my head, and I have not had the time to sit down and put fingers to keyboard and start typing. I have a great date story to tell, it was so great it lasted 20 minutes. Or the story of my sleepless night where I worked from1 to 4 am, because I could not fall asleep. Or I could tell you how I have made up my mind about my new laptop, but have not had the time to go see it at the store and ask the sales person the pertinent questions. I am not one to buy things if I have not seen them in the flesh.

So that is the update, a little weary, a little excited, a little sad but somewhat optimistic.

PS. The picture is from Switzerland, it comes from the BBC's site.

I forgot

Every year, for the last three I give up drinking for lent. It is hard to do, specially because most of my social life revolves around bars. This year I was going to do it again, but just realized that lent started Wednesday...

I am such an idiot.

What do you think i should give up dahling readers ?

Failing to sleep

Good morning, It is 4 am in the morning and I just finished my performance review document. For some reason I can not sleep.

Not really sure why, I mean, I had a long day, even went to an alumni thing and then came home, but like the patients in those pesky Restless Leg Syndrome adds, I kept tossing and turning and was unable to get to sleep. Finally I gave up and just turned on the 'puter and started doing some work that I know I will have no time to do tomorrow.

I then thought well I will post something, but what? It is 4 in the morning. I could tell you that yesterday I wore one of the new slacks I got for Christmas, since I had the alumni thing I thought I should dress up, and I did. Its amazing what real pants do to my figure, its like I go from JLo butt to normal and almost slim. It also helped that they were black, with thin, thin stripes. To my surprise they were a bit loose, which means that the diet has worked so far, if you can call my eating habits a diet. It is good news because I will need all the help in the world not to balloon when I start traveling, there will be too many free food options to pass out just because. I am still not sure how I am going to negotiate the food issue with myself, but I will have to find a way.

Well I am going to try and sleep for 2 hours, because otherwise tomorrow I will not be functional.

Don't you hate it when your sleep cycle is not cooperating. Maybe its time i get myself some ambian.

Change is in the air ...

This year has been very busy for me, it’s been one short term project after another and if you add to that the trying to exercise and keep a semi healthy eating lifestyle, I am just running ragged. I am exhausted yet my mind is terribly alert and there are so many things I need to get done that I can not sleep well, and have terrible nightmares. I will give you an example, last night, I dreamt that I was moving and that the movers were there and in my mad rush to get everything ready, I had packed everything, except the kitchen, my clothes and the bathroom. The movers started to get the furniture and whatever was already packed, but I woke up with this immense sense of apprehension because I as they were moving store I kept putting clothes and dishes and glasses into plastic bags so that I could finish the move. It was crazy, I literally woke up and it took me a couple of minutes to realize it was 4 am and I was in my bed and I was not moving.

Well so this had been just a sample of the type of nights I have had. To top it all I have been swimming like a brown dog for a week now, and there is a meet next weekend. This idiot even signed up for the 200 fly. Anyway, so I know what you all are thinking, poor thing she is finally melting. Well I wish I was finally melting, but its not that, The source of all my anxiety is that I have signed on to a new project, at a home improvement retailer and it is a great job, I will be able to put into practice my degrees (yes even if I do not write like I have them, I have 2) and will grow within my company, Not just that but this is the kind of resume building project that you can use to impress people at interviews for years to come. So its great, there is a catch of course, the company is located in Wilkesboro, North Carolina.

Gasp

I am not moving though, I will be traveling, Monday through Thursday every week. It will be hard, there is not doubt about it. I will need to learn a new set of skills and a new version of the English language (Lord help my grammer). But the way I see it, change is good, it is not the end of the world. It will make my social life difficult, because I am going to have to pack a 3 day weekend and try to see most of my inner circle of friends. But anyway we are not the type of people that go out on a Tuesday or Wednesday anyway. I am sure I will manage. There are many compelling reasons to go, one of the most important ones is personal growth. I will need to live with myself 4 days a week. No distractions, no meetings, no coffee dates, no running around. I have carved myself a life that is so busy here that I rarely reflect, because when I reflect I get despondent and can only see the glass as half empty. This experience will change it. I hope, and even if there will be nights where coming back to a hotel room will be depressing, I will have to read or knit, watch some TV, blog a little and think a little. In short it will put me out of my comfort zone, beyond the borders where I operate so well, mostly because I know them so well that I can do all these things blindfolded and not break a lot of things. For the peep’s in DC, be prepared to see me in the weekend, and to expect little patience for people that can not plan or schedule, but also rest assured that a bigger, better person will be writing this blog.

PS. There is a Y right next to my hotel, so there will be no end to the amounts of cardio I will do and I see a lot of scarves in your future.

Some nice pictures

Because i am brain dead, I am posting some nice pictures, hope you like them.

Valentines - or Sarcastic Wednesday

Valentine’s surprise

My life, a tragic-comedy of manners mostly, always delivers great surprises when things seem to not be going my way. Sunday, the same Sunday I posted about yesterday, I got home to a message from my sister that asked if I had received a package. I had no idea, I never check the mail – that is an upstairs job. I promised I would go look, but first I had to go to the gym. I came back from the gym and I find a box, and inside the box I find this:

The note was simple and lovely, instructing me that the bounty was not just for me but for the entire Klingelites … so I have to share. That was my valentine, and since I have lots of friends to send valentines too, I am posting one of my favourite poems. It is extremely cheesy I am warning you, but I have always liked it. Of course it is Kipling’s IF, and here it is:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

PS.

To the Scientist - no you do not know the cook

To the Will - Yay !!! can not wait, lets all go out Saturday

A tale of two cancellations and an apology (Part II)

Where were we? Oh yes the Sunday’s date. It was going to be a third date, which is always promising. In my book it means I have at least kept the man interested enough to go meet again. Sometimes this means they have not slept with you yet and they want to sleep with you – not something that happens often. Or they have slept with you already and are looking forward to a repeat. Because I am changing my ways, I was hoping it was going to be the first one. I once had a roommate who said that if you wanted to make God laugh, you should confide your plans. God had a good laugh at my expense that day.

There I am, at 7:30 thinking. I stayed in bed until 8, and then got up. Wrote down the movie times in a piece of paper so I remembered what was showing where, and at what time. Cleaned the house a bit more, made the bed, and as I was getting ready for swimming I overhear a voice calling my name from upstairs – the upstairs were on a meet in Richmond. I was stark naked putting on my contacts, and I thought it was the TV, then I realized it was my name, so I answered and it was Edith, the cleaning lady. No one had reminded me she was coming. It was a good thing, because she would clean, but I had already cleaned and even done some laundry on my own. Felt so cheated. But anyway, I did not turn around, and told her I was getting ready to go swim, that I would be talk to her as I left. I am not sure if she came downstairs or not, but I turned and put on my swimsuit faster than Superman. Then off to swimming I went.

I had a bad practice and it was all my fault, I had lifted the day before and I was everything but flexible. So I forced myself, to do what I could, but it was not a good workout. Then as I was leaving the pool I checked my phone – was going to brunch with the Diplomat and his landlord – and I get this message from a number not in my contacts:

Not feeling well today, I will stay home. Sorry,

I was not sure how to read this, I was a bit confused and all. It then dawned on me, that he was canceling the date. But that was all he said, not a word, of lets reschedule, or call me later nothing. A flat out cancellation, with no option to maneuver around it. I called the Diplomat to arrange for brunch, and then tried calling the date, but there was no answer so I left a voice mail saying that I got his message and that I wish he felt better.

I drove away from the pool and that was when my insecurities, and the nagging voice in my head all came out. I tried to put them away by turning up the volume in the radio, but they would not go away. All they said was what a looser I was for thinking anyone would be interested in meeting me again. I know this is not the end of the world, but it seemed to me that when you are on your third date and so far the last two have been pretty good, you can think that this could be a potential success. That this is the one where you will know if this will become something a bit more meaningful or if it is time to call it quits. I had suggested dinner and a movie, because it would give us something more to talk about than what we had already discussed and it would give me some insight into what he liked, disliked, enjoyed and all that fun stuff.

I went to brunch and tried to put up a good face, but was not very effective. On the one hand my Sunday plans had just collapsed, on the other there was the rejection. On the one hand I could go work out; on the other hand no one is interested in you. My mind plays tricks on me like that; it makes little incidents become overwhelmingly important. I was overpowered by this wave of sadness that just left me secure in the notion that I am of no value to anyone, but at the same time knowing that I have to keep going because my neurosis will not allow me to stay home. I avoided talking to other people and did what my gut told me to do, cardio. I spend 1.5 hours running at the gym like there was no tomorrow, and thinking, thinking, thinking. I made sure I was tired enough that I could go home watch some TV and just vegetate. Luckily my neighbors saved the day and we watched a sad gay Portuguese movie and then Bitches and Bitches, sorry Brothers and Sisters which I love.

Why care so much you ask ? I do not know. At this point I would hope the walls around me would be strong enough, but it is at moments like this that I see how vulnerable I can be. I know on the one hand it is scary, but on the other it is positive. It means I care, and I promise to not just stop and retreat into myself, but to keep going. What else is there to do ?

PS. Should a boy call back to see if the other person is better, or be passive and wait for the other person to call back? What do u say readers?

A tale of two cancellations and an apology (Part I)

First things first, I need to send a big hug and apology to the couple from Chicago. I missed them this weekend, and I am truly sorry for that. I send them an email on Friday, but dumb ass I am they were arriving on that day. I know their stay in this city was not as fabulous as one would expect, and that they had to go back. They did get to see some people and I hope that at least that was nice. In my defense I am having the busiest time I have ever had at any job I my career. This is good and bad, all at the same time, because it leaves me no time to

Ok, that is off my chest then the next part of our tale. Saturday after a good swim practice, I went to brunch with the swimmers, and to my surprise and every one else’s Flawless came both swimming and to breakfast. I have to say that just looking at the man, made my morning. So at least the weekend started on the right foot. That streak was not to continue. After brunch I went home and cleaned, cleaned and cleaned. I had clothes all over the place and because I knew that there was a chance I might have company some time later on the weekend I would not have my apartment a mess. Things were put away, laundry was done and I even did the kitchen and some dishes. When I was done with this, I got a call from the Diplomat who was sick, sick, sick and he cancelled our dinner plans. I was bummed, but I understood. I was on my way to the gym and the fates knowing what was in store, had the Cook – an ex of mine, that cooks terrifically and loves entertaining – send me a text inviting for dinner. So there like Maria in the Sound of Music I could say that when a door closes and window opens. I got to the gym and did weights and cardio – cuz I hate my body, but also because I had not done chisel during the week and figured some weights are not going to kill me. I finished my workout, stretched and went home to get dressed and ready. Dinner was perfect; I was the substitute boyfriend for the Cook, since the real thing was sick. It was awkward, but we were only 4 people and of course I did a Mrs. Henderson and proceed to monopolize people’s attention and be witty and flirty and very entertaining. The food was terrific; I had worked out enough that I had 3 slices of yogurt cake – they were very small my dear Scientist – and a couple of drinks. The cook made a killer Rose Kennedy’s, just for me. The guests and the host were supposed to go to “Blowoff” after dinner, I had none such intentions, and proceeded to keep them entertained until 11:30 when they were also tired and went home. This is where I could write some fiction and say how I had sex with the ex, but no. I did not. It was not offered and I was tired and sore. I left the cook’s at midnight and went home like your everyday gay Cinderella.

Sunday morning came and I woke up at 7:30, going to bed early was he culprit and I started preparing for the day. I folded some clothes I had left on the dryer and checked the movie times for later. Why? A date had been arranged for the afternoon.

To be continued …

Oh and a nice surprise, I got an adaptor to move my pictures from my camera to the laptop and you will start seeing some new pictures in here.

Snow, TV and cardio

These three words can describe my evening. Last night as I was about to leave the office for Chisel – I work in the hinder lands of Virginia, at 5 pm, a little problem arouse its ugly head, and being the anal retentive gay, I stayed to solve it. At first I thought it would be only 30 minutes or so, but that turned into a 2 hour effort, the good thing is I got a lot other stuff done. Yay! For work but bad for the figure. Once the crisis was solved, I drove to the gym and did some cardio while doing cardio; I was on the step machine to be exact I wasted 1 hour of my time by watching and listening to American Idol. I have to say this it was the first time I had ever watched said show, and I have a confession, I can see why people like it. I saw the “good” episode, where the no talents audition to go to Hollywood. OMG, there is very little talent out there, for a country of 300 million. Granted they were in San Antonio, but c’mon, they could at least have showed the better candidates, of course that would not be good television so we saw some pretty pathetic fools making asses out of themselves. My favorite line was after this sad girl, who apparently sang like an angel in her church’s choir, tried to sing a song. She was bad, had no personality, could not interpret a word she was singing, so I wander how can she sing in choir when she can barely put any emotion into it? The judges said no, and she left saying that they were all negative on her, and that they had judged her without listening to her and blah, blah, blah. But the pearl of the show was when her mother and sister received her after the failed ambition, they said that none of the people there knew anything, asked why Simon was part of American Idol when he was not even American and when the presenter said he was British, the said “well he needs to go back to British, to judge…”. Back to British, yes … I guess this goes to tell how well educateted the audience and participants of the show are. Of course this is a gross generalization, I know, but anyway just my observation.

The funny thing is that last week two of my co-workers, of conservative persuasion, were talking about Idol and said that it was the liberal’s fault that no one told people anymore that they are not good at something. I had no good retort to this, and said that it was not the fault of the liberal’s but just the fault of modern western world, that sees the chance of being famous as the only way out of poverty. After watching the show, I realized that this people that know they are bad singers, just go there to exhibit themselves. Some of them are delusional, I give you that, and most of them are told by their friends they are good, but how in his or her right mind just listens to ones friends. That is not part of the liberal bias that is part of the human bias. We will tell people we like that we like what they do, because they are our friends or family. I would like to think I am a liberal that does not delude himself about his talents, but I do keep a blog – and know I am no Phillip Roth. I will never aspire to be a singer or an actor, but maybe that is just because I am so overeducated that I have other incredible aspirations that will never come to bare fruit. This has nothing to do with political ideals. This all goes to show how a better educated group of people tend to look for opportunities elsewhere and the people with no other chances, with no aspiration or role models, see show business as the one way out. Are we all at some level part of the American Idol phenomena, trying to be something we are not good at?

Maybe the answer is yes.

PS. The snow refers to the craziness that ensues any winter precipitation in DC.

Not all is bad

Picture this, a modern homosexual pondering what to wear at 7:00 am in the morning. He has just showered and the day before he had experienced the discomfort of thermal underwear and pants all at once. He goes through the wardrobe and remembers a pair of wool slacks ideal for chilly weather. He also remembers that they are size 30. Mmmmm, he says, will I fit in them? There is only one way of knowing. Our modern fag, tries them on and against all predictions, they … fit!

Once that first challenge has been conquered our hero, proceeds to assemble an outfit that can from office to dinner with the chisel crew, prepares breakfast (coffee, bagel, cottage cheese and a banana), packs his multiple bags – the work bag and the gym bag – ties his red scarf and puts on the hat that matches and leaves his house. He drives through the rolling and conservative hills of Virginia and without much peril gets to the post office where he sends his mother some pictures from the last family trip and then even arrives at the office 10 minutes before he expected.

Sometimes, life can be good, if not good, at least good enough to remind is that it’s the little things. Like when the knitting book came in last week, or the fact that I still fit into size 30, or finding those extra 10 dollars on the jacket you wore last weekend.

This does not mean that I am going to turn into a hallmark gay, that repeats happy thoughts or meaningless quotes and seems to smile in the face of defeat – read the previous post – but I have to put on a brave face and smile don’t I.

Of course this frame of mind might be a result of the chocolate I had last night after swimming. It was one of those horrendous practices when neither my mind, nor my body gets into swimming, so I just followed and did my thing but did not get a real workout. By the time I was home and ready for bed, I had eaten half a chocolate bar, the Icelandic bitter one (70% cacao) , and promptly fell asleep at 11:30.

When a missed connection backfires…

Last week was difficult, no matter how much I try to put it, I was. I worked 10 hour days and worked out every day – yay! for me and then had a little debacle Saturday when I saw the missed connection and he refused to give his number. Oh well, I was crushed at first, I always am, it’s the only way I deal with the little problems in the world. I turn them into storms that threaten to drown me, but then they are just storms in a teacup, really because after thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that it is not a big deal. It’s sad, the Diplomat told me that it took me too long, and my reply yes, but he could have asked for my number too and he didn’t. Of course this train of thought leads me to believe that there is no point in making an effort, and asking people out or even asking or other people’s digits or information. It is sad and a reality that at 30, no one is coming and asking me out on dates, but we all have our crosses to bare, and I will continue to go on dates, coffee, dinner, movie ones until I find someone that finds enticing enough to ask me back. As much as I want to throw a pity party and cry, I can not. I have never been a crier, which is a shame, I would love to be able to cry sometimes and just get through the emotions by doing something other than cardio. Unfortunately – and no this is nor part of the shtick – I just never cry.

I am left with many unanswered questions, where does one go from a missed connection? Why is my mind playing tricks on me, making me believe people are actually interested? Why do we think that we want something, when after truly analyzing the situation we realize that is not what we are looking for? All this are particularly valid when it comes to romance. Why is it so important to think and over think things that in the long run are mute points for our existence? My answer is short we are privileged, over-educated people with way too much time. If had real problems to keep ourselves busy, such as where is my next meal coming from, or where am I going to sleep tomorrow we would just be busier and not really depressed over someone not giving us a phone number.

Well that is the start of the week, here is to hoping that it will get better, the cold is here with us, and so is the thermal underwear – has anyone ever worn slacks with long-johns? - they feel weird, but I thought better prepared than sorry.

PS. the picture has nothing to do with the post, just a comment !